Chains That Bind Me

It is very difficult for me to look at this self portrait. It is symbolic in the way that I can "see" on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. A weight. A heaviness that I carry around with me daily and hide so well. Every link a drama, a stress, some "crisis", an illness or past memory of trauma and abuse both physical and emotional. These chains bind me now but, day by day and link by link I am learning to unchain myself, for I realize that I alone can set myself  free.

                                          
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Well here I am again in "all my glory"!  Above photo was taken while I was having a "rough day"...I do have a few of those...a little more often than I would care to admit to.  I am honored to have had my mentor suggest my submitting this photo and short essay to Burn Magazine.  Now comes the waiting......one day at a time.

Self Portraits............

If there were ever photo's that I would consider as TRUE self portraits....you're looking at them.  The blur is "Distorted Diana" and the other is "I Walk The Line".

Although I do learn more and more about "me"/"I" almost on a daily basis....what I am learning is only leading me to more and more frustrations....and yes....some anger as well. 

I can only hope that one day....these blurs will finally become clear and if I step off the line....I won't fall to far down and someone would be there to help me get back up.  I only know of one that would.....and not think it an inconvenience .....no matter what.       I thank you....from my "Heart and Soul".......I thank you.

Frustration

So much going on with me lately. So many worries I lock away inside that no one knows about.  Builds up until I feel like I am going to burst.  Sometimes I will share my worries....most of the time I do not.

No one here really to talk to......at least to be listened to with interest.  " Conversations" in passing. Today I broke down and cried in the middle of the grocery store....I was fine....and then I wasn't!  I don't like to cry....but I especially don't like to do it in public! 

Maybe I am just frustrated?  I need to find some sort of balance again.  Very diffacult to do in a "lopsided" house.

Sometimes I feel so lost without "a wise old man". (I am feeling so sad today)

I imagine if I was given one moment,
just a single slice of my past.
I could hold it close forever,
and that moment would always last.


I'd put the moment in a safe,
within my hearts abode.
I could open it when wanted,
as only I would know the code.


I could choose a time of laughing,
a time of happiness and fun.
I could choose a time that tried me,
through everything I've done.

You see I'm building my own  library,
embedded in my heart,
for all the moments spent with you,
before "you" dad, had to part.

I can open it up whenever I like,

pick a moment and watch it through,

My library acts as a promise,

That I willl never ever forget you.

I miss you dad...."Sophia"

Post note: These photo's were taken a few years back with just a Powershot Camera well before I had any knowlege of photography....I am still learning.
















            

My own sands of time

Was walking down memory lane,
Remembering once walking on a beach,
Surpressing my feelings of pain,
Keeping doubts out of reach.

Had a look at the sands of time
The hours when time itself stood still,
Could hear distant bells chime,
And I was walking while I still stood still.

Felt the heat of the sun beating,
Could sense an awe that the past left,
Saw the sheath of life fleeting,
Glimpses of what was there were best

My kids and a little info on goats

Living where I do I have the chance to have my "critters". We had three goats at one time, two males and one female. Lilly was my favorite. God I loved that girl! She had the best of personality and would allow me to push her around and she would push me right back but never trying to hurt me. She had some really sharp horns! Lyle and Luther, our two males were pretty smelly! Lilly and Lyle passed away and Luther is making new "kids" somewhere out there. Male goats have a nasty habit of ...well...lets say they just stink REAL bad when they wanna "get lucky" and a female is around. Trust me....enough said on that subject! These two new "kids" are fainting goats. Brown and tan one is "Roxanne", Rox for short...the other is "Lavern", Vern for short. When scared they pass out for 10 seconds then get right back up again because of a neurological defect. Doesn't harm them in any way though. Funniest thing too watch as they just drop where they are standing! I have always loved goats...these two girls are no exception.

P.S. Still working on sizing photo's...sometimes I get it right...and then there are these! Sorry, still learning Photoshop!

Some life around me...and death

These photo's are of some chickens that have free range on the property. They come and go as they please laying eggs along the way. Sadly though life can be hard on them as raccoons, fox and possums need to eat as well and get into the coop for their "take out's". The one seen laying down must have been to heavy to carry so it was left for me to take care of. Happens often.